It’s been nearly eight months since I left work and I don’t miss it at all as I’ve kept myself occupied with more meaningful endeavours.

Lots of sleep, golf, knitting, reading and learning French mainly. Exploring writing, catching up with friends and family, playing with the cat.

Everything but work.

In some way, I feel like I’ve been returning to me. A calmer state of mind and getting my confidence back which was decimated the last few years. I didn’t realise it at the time until I read my journal entries over that time and it seemed like I had been going through some mental crisis that came to a head. Lockdowns, work changes, menopause, social media getting more and more unsocial, constantly fighting and arguing online with colleagues over Yammer without support ….a perfect storm. I think I imploded in some way by denouncing everything and everyone such as getting off public and enterprise social media and walking away from it all. I just didn’t want any part of the circus anymore.

Thankfully, I kept myself sane with my French and running the 5K and 10K back then. I needed do these to keep myself from going crazy. I seemed normal on the outside but inside, I was a mess. I was “saturated with constant change”. Something had to give.

The lockdowns didn’t help matters either. To be inside the house for 263 days has seriously stuffed up all Melbournites.

Anyway..

Despite doing my best never to talk about what I USED to do, when the conversation comes up about work, I still get questions from people regarding Microsoft 365 or Yammer, the enterprise social network (now rebranded as Viva Engage).

(As an example at the U3A, I quickly walk past the computer room not looking inside and keep quiet when they ask for technology tutors. I simply don’t ever want to have anything to do with it except for what I use myself).

In recent times, I’ve been approached by a few people currently working in organisations who knew my past in this field to answer questions about these platform in particular, MS Teams and Yammer/Viva Engage. They come to me because the company I used to work for some years back wrote a couple of books on the topic. That, and I had a Twitter presence on the topic and even presented at various National and international conferences. Let’s just say this was my area of expertise.

But that’s all behind me now and it’s where I’d like to keep it. In some way, it feels like a farce that I was so entrenched with these ideas and so damn naive and idealistic that organisational systems could change.

No they can’t. And they won’t.

I’ve started to notice how my body reacts when people ask me questions about Microsoft Teams and Yammer/Engage nowadays. I freeze, my heart starts to race, I get anxious and stressed once again. My breathing quickens.

I have ZERO interest in any of these platforms or systems.

I have ZERO interest in learning what’s new or keeping up to date with them.

They simply don’t rate a mention in my life anymore.

I. Just. Don’t. Care.

I can’t believe how much confidence I lost in myself when it came to how my work in this area was viewed. I regret even getting on these social networks and putting so much attention on them to make people and organisations see their potential value.

People are STILL confused about these platforms. How do they use them? Why do they use them? They’re still asking the same questions they’ve been asking since 2014 when I first started with this stuff – and I’m bloody tired.

So much so, that I feel myself getting anxious when they ask me questions that used to be my expertise.

They talk about the problems they’re having with M365. They offer their own suggestions and recommendations. What ifs. How about we….?

So I say nothing. I listen. I nod. I offer nothing. I keep quiet throughout willing them to change the subject and instead talk about something else. Anything but that.

It’s as if I’ve drawn a line in the sand and accepted that was “old me”. A different person entirely. I am now NOT that person.

I want nothing to do with anything I espoused in the past related to these platforms.

(Some time later, I had read Mark Carrigan’s post on Nick Cave talking about “on becoming an actual person” and it’s how I feel now)