Today I had a bit of an adventure. I had to break a $100 note (yes, I still use cash as back up emergency and as it’s still legal tender even though some shops refuse to take it).

I was walking by my bank and walked in. I asked if I could get 10 $10 bills.

They refused.

“We’re a cashless bank,” he said.

“Oh, okay. Can I use the machine to break a note then?”

“No.”

He looked straight at me. Not saying anything more. Nof offering suggestions.

I looked at him quizzically, shook my head and walked off.

I then walked into their competitor’s bank.

“Can I break a $100 note here?” I asked the teller.

“Sure, but first I have to ask, are you a customer of ours?” she asks.

“No, I’m not, is that a problem?”

“Yeah, sorry but we don’t offer this service to non-customers. Who is your bank?”

I said the name.

“Yeah well, they already have this service and just ask them to do it through the machines,” she says.

“He said they can’t do this.”

Now it was her turn to look at me quizzically and she shrugged her shoulders.

I walked back to my bank and walked in again. (They’ve replaced the tellers with a potted jungle of huge palms that their “Customer Service” hide behind).

“I’m back,” I yell out to the guy playing on his phone.

He got up and walked to me.

“The lady from the other bank down the road told me that you already have the service of being able to change notes for me,” I said.

He looks at me.

“We don’t,” he says.

“Okay, offer me suggestions. Alternatives, anything?”

After a moment, he says, “You can deposit the $100 and then use the ATM to withdraw the cash that you need.”

“Will that cost me?” I ask “In transaction fees?”

“Not if you’re a customer of ours,” he says.

(Yeah right, alarm bells. There is a fee if you go over the number of allowable transactions per month but let’s leave it as obviously thinking hurt his brain).

“Okay, show me. I haven’t ever deposited any cash into an ATM and don’t want to stuff it up,” I direct.

He stands over my shoulder while I do it.

I got the 10 $10 notes out.

“You know,” I said to him, “the reason why this is strange is that it goes against every meaning of a bank providing customer service on legal tender. I’ve just had to radically rethink my entire interpretation of banking. To deposit cash to get cash out: who would have thought that this is what banking has become? Can see you how ridiculous it all has become?” I ask.

He was not listening anymore. He was neither here nor there. He was simply “just there”.

I take my cash, put it into my purse and walk out waving a thanks behind me.

If this is customer service, then I’m glad I’m not working for – and in – banks anymore.

The whole idea of what constitutes customer service and how these convoluted ways put in by big businesses to alter the behaviours of their customers over time – and charge them – is appalling, especially as last time I looked, cash is still legal tender. As for service staff?

They’re simply just going through the motions.

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