Andrew asks me about my day and I excitedly told him about everything I learned and who I met yesterday on my first “day of school”.

“So I guess you’re not going back to work at any point?” He asks.

Well………..

The thing is that I’m someone who can easily fill in her time with other things that need to be done around the house, there are books to be read, new courses to do, knitting to do, crochet to learn, yarn to mush into my hands, places to explore, coffee to drink in different cafes, people to meet.

I told him it’s not about not “going back to work per se” but more about doing work where you are appreciated and acknowledged for what you do and bring.

If I can be part of a great team, the better. If I can be part of an organisation that gives back or helps the community then yes, I’ll go back to work (only part time or even preferable, casual or contract) but I cannot even think of doing anything similar to my old line of work in corporate organisations.

I think my previous role broke my spirit in a big way. I lost myself feeling as if no one really understood what I was trying to do and I wore my heart on my sleeve throughout it. I cannot think of going back and working for organisations that function that way – and they all do because…that’s just business.

In some way, I was broken by the organisational systems and I don’t want to feel like that ever again. That means, I had to change myself, my thinking, go on a completely new path and have a new resolve because let’s face it, organisational systems will never change. So I have to.

I still believe it’s way too early for me to return to work. Mentally, I’m not ready for it or it’s environment.

Initially I had been thinking of taking three months off but those months have flown by and I’m only just starting to feel “myself” again.

I keep thinking that I just need more time to do my own things and take it easy before deciding steps that take me down a new path in life.

Whether it’s full opt out of organisational work entirely, taking part time or contract work in a completely different field, or learning a new skill (unrelated to corporate learning and development) one that will be creative and challenging for me or rebuilding my Activate Learning Solutions to focus on just people who are in my position exploring lifelong learning options – I’m unsure. (All I know is that I do NOT want to use social media or online communities or online platforms and tech anymore as the main driver or focus. Companies made these the focus and they forgot about their people. I’d go back to more local, more in person, more hands on, more experiential, more real life methods).

So for now, I still wait. There’s more exploring to do. I still need to find things that reinspire me again which means not looking back. It’ll also mean rejigging our finances with this in mind and cutting back on some things. This means less consumption, more saving, borrowing, repairing. I’m okay with this.