It was so weird to stand there on the first hole and tee-off with a group of ladies at the Golf Club this morning.

I tried to kerb my feelings of guilt.

Everyone else would have been at work – or preparing for work at 8 o’clock.

Instead, here I was, driver in hand ready to play my first round of 18 holes.

I had some firsts today.

It was the first time I:

• Played 18 holes (I usually play 9)
• Used the MiScore app
• Played in a Competition
• Played on a Monday morning

I played terribly but no matter. I’ve been enjoying getting out there in the fresh air and the sunshine. Today, there was a little bit of wind and I couldn’t get into the swing of the game until the 15th hole however, golf is the only sport that makes me “get out of my head”. When I’m playing the game, I’m completely “in the zone”. I don’t think about anything else except for the club, the ball and the game. Nothing else matters.

That means that when I finish the game, I’m on a high. It’s as if I’m returning back to the world again and I could then focus on relaxing in the club house with my playing partners.

One of the things that struck me over the last few days is that I’m constantly counting in my head. If I could tally up my thoughts through the day, I realise that I’m an obsessive counter.

I count out my knitting and crochet stitches.

I count the numbers of times I hit the golf ball.

I count out the number of teaspoons of foods, herbs and spices.

I am CONSTANTLY counting in my head.

I wonder if others do this? I must ask Andrew if he does the same.

I don’t know if it’s anything to do with OCD because I’m not too fussed about the outcome of the numbers. That is, I don’t get antsy if I don’t do it nor if I don’t count them.

I think it’s more of a situation that I’m involved with sports and activities that require counting. It’s yet another thing I’m beginning to learn about myself and how I think.

Getting off social media and spending more time actually thinking about thinking, means that suddenly, my thoughts have become louder and more evident to me. I notice them.

In the past, they were clouded and disguised by all the noise of others – I didn’t know if my thoughts were truly my own or were a mish mash of others. No wonder I’d get frustrated, anxious and frustrated.

It’s been over six weeks now since I have resigned from work too and I’m only just feeling more at ease with myself.

I still have no idea whether I will go back into the corporate world and work in the same field of social and community learning because my last job really messed with my head.

When you put your heart and soul into your work – trying to build a community and help others see value in it – and they don’t, and everything is a constant battle to prove your worth and value – or they give you lip service, it made me realise just how burned out I became. I didn’t know it then but see it clearly now.

I still have some way to go to get back to where I was. My last job left me doubting every single thing about what I know and what I can offer a company. I can’t even think about going back to the field of learning and development for some time yet. Instead, if I was to get a job, I’d look at stacking shelves in a supermarket or answering phones as a receptionist or serving people in a retail shop. I can’t think anything further than that.

My confidence was stripped entirely. I’m hoping golf puts me back again.

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