Once again the vivid and recurring dreams have started. I’ve got five more work days until I stop work so it’s not surprising that the dreams now are deeper and weirder.

Last night, as soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell into a deep sleep. I had played golf yesterday walking over 20,000 steps, the wind, the sunshine and lugging the golf buggy around tired me out. I sleep well on days when I play golf – it’s welcome especially when sleep doesn’t always come easily.

I found myself in a building once again. I parked my car on the roof and had to take the escalator and stairs to get there. But every time I took the stairs, the landings would get smaller and smaller or the stairs would lead to nowhere. I’d go back down to retrace my steps, only to go back up and see that a wall stopped me or the stairs were going down. I kept saying to myself “don’t panic”.

Later I have another dream which I’ve had plenty of times before. I’m at the airport waiting to board and then realise I don’t have a boarding ticket. I forgot to check all my luggage. I then run around a crowded airport like a mad woman to try and find where I could check my luggage and get a boarding ticket and not miss my flight. I never make my flight – just like I never found my car – because I couldn’t find or get to where I was going.

I think the reason I’m dreaming like this is because of the work situation.

I don’t feel like I’ve achieved what I wanted. I had hefty goals of creating a global online community for change and adoption professionals at our workplace but then plans changed and we were acquired. The community wasn’t as critical nor seen as important anymore. I felt I had spent so much of my heart and mind in it that I then had to change focus and by then, I became confused and disheartened.

I felt cheated in some way but not as much as being embarrassed that I have only have myself to blame for being so idealistic.

If I’m entirely honest with myself, that’s been my biggest anxiety for most of this year. Add to the mix, conversations and observations with many people about how the nature of work has drastically changed, how people are frustrated, overwhelmed or even traumatised by so many things happening in this world.

When I see, read or hear about companies trying to go back to the old system rather than changing their ways, reflecting on how much they and their leaders are the problem too, I get disheartened thinking “we are not learning, we are not growing, we are not co-operating to create a new world for those coming behind us”.

So no wonder I’ve been having these dreams of confusion to get to that goal. I need to get to my car on the roof or catch that plane but for some reason, circumstances in life confuse us to prevent us from reaching it. I’m hoping that after I leave work, these dreams will not be repeated.