I’m sitting here on the lounge in the light filled living room. I’m killing time.

The cat is snoring beside me, his paws wrapped up under his face. He looks so cute that he melts my heart. Part of me wants to pick him up and cuddle him, another part is that despite all that bundle of cuteness, I should leave him alone in his slumber.

I’m killing time as I have been preparing for a medical procedure over the last day and in a few hours, I’ll be going under while the doctors investigate.

I’m not scared but more matter of fact that now, for once and for all, I’ll be able to get confirmation of the niggling health issues I’ve been having for a while now.

Part of me thinks it’s just about getting old. As I age, I’m way more aware of my body’s creaks and groans, and what feels right or doesn’t. It’s best to get these checked out when you “don’t feel like yourself” and truth be told, I haven’t been feeling like this for some time. I’m missing “something”.

Stress is a huge factor as to why we get sick. That’s my non-medical diagnosis ?. Even though we may believe that stress and anxiety isn’t impacting our life, we may have been internalising it in different ways which then play out with getting sick.

For the last couple of years through the pandemic, the uncertainty of covid, the huge changes and disruptions in our lives, we may not think it has impacted us but I believe, in some way it has. And it doesn’t need a lot for this to happen.

I shudder to think of the ongoing medical and health problems people will be seeing in years to come.

For me, my lesson was all about self care. The need to take some time (and not feel guilty about it) to go for that walk, to learn that new language, to eat better and to go get myself checked up. I think that I can recognise the symptoms when things get much however there are times when I miss things. When the body finally says, “Helen enough already. I gave you signals that you ignored. Pay attention!”

Two days ago, I was standing at the sink washing the dishes when Andrew asked me a simple question. I couldn’t answer it. I simply couldn’t get the words out. It’s as if my brain froze. I couldn’t remember the words. I stared out the window and little by little I’d say a word. It would be the wrong word. It was jumbled.

He said to take my time and after a while, when I calmed down a bit, I could string the sentence together. It was a disconcerting feeling but I’m putting it down to being overwhelmed with what’s happening in the world currently. Also huge questions I’m having about my work, it’s value and my life purpose and overall an uncertainty of the future.

I feel as if I need to be taking some action yet at the same time, feel compelled to ride it out, do nothing at all, or do something but not that something I usually do. It’s paralysis by analysis.

At the same time, I’m pretty pragmatic about it as I’m effectively at the whim of changing hormones in my body at this time in my life. The artist in me is having an existential crisis but the scientist in me is explaining it as changing hormones affecting my brain which means I’ll have some good and bad days and all I need to do is to ride it out. Recognise it for what it is. Do what I can within my means. Keep my health and sanity as clear as possible.

Righto. Now time to get a bag together and get ready and get some answers.