It’s been a wild ride these last couple of years, ones in which I wouldn’t like to repeat as the world experienced something that touched every single one of us in different ways.

I’d be lying if I said that it hasn’t affected me on some deep level despite being luckier than most. It’s been a test for me in some way to test my own resilience and to find ways to fight the insomnia, the frustration, the self-pity and the anger.

In Victoria, as the cases are rising (luckily our vaccination rates have increased too), our roadmap says that things are slowly due to open again soon but it comes with some trepidation. As COVID is swirling out there, I think about this roadmap and decide that it’s not really the end. Things will not “return to normal”.

Some of you may know that I enjoy watching SAS Australia. I wrote my reasons in the blog post: Survival Training.

In the show, the directing staff play this ‘trick’ with the contestants. The contestants go through a physically and mentally demanding situation and get told where the finish line is. Once they reach the finish line, they get told that it’s not really the finish line and in fact, they have to keep running. This, after they are completely spent.

The directing staff do this because they don’t want people to have this goal in mind because goal posts change. There is no certainty in life. Therefore, you have to reset your mindset which must be one of the toughest things you need to do when your body (and head) is screaming “Enough already!”

I think of that Roadmap as a ‘pretend’ finish line for me. I don’t see it as the date when I can get my life back to some semblance of normality because the fact is, my entire mindset over the last couple of years has been rewired.

I’m a little bit changed.

I’m a little bit more angry.

I’m a little bit more vocal.

I’m a little bit more reflective.

I’m a little bit more impatient with BS.

And overall, I’m a little bit more appreciative that I hung in but now, as we are slowly trudging towards the “pretend” finish line that our state government has pitched into the ground, I’m also mentally prepared to realise that we have still more to get past.

This time has afforded me a lot of thinking time and it would be crazy of me not to learn the lessons it has placed in front of me.

I’m a little bit changed.