I know I’m complaining a lot of late. I can’t seem to help myself. I’m just sad. Angry. Frustrated. Happy. Tired. Resigned. Impatient. Blah. Meh. Argh.

I know that in light of where Australia is at with its vaccination and hotel quarantine program, added to how every state seems to be doing something different, lockdowns – especially for us here in Victoria, seems to be a way of life now.

In the grand scheme of things, many times I feel guilty for complaining. I’m coming across as a whinger and a whiner especially when there are people worse off than me and who have lost livelihoods.

However, I think the lockdowns are really affecting everyone differently.

I caught myself thinking, “well, let’s imagine there wasn’t any COVID. No pandemic. You had an opportunity to revel in the peace and quiet and to do what you want, when you want. To not have people over to the house. You could watch hours of Netflix and just stay inside!”

In another reality, something like this would have been ideal for me. So why is it a problem for me now?

Shouldn’t I be enjoying the fact that we are allowed to stay at home and minimise our movements?

At the park today, I thought about this.

I think it’s because we’re not given any sort of….hope.

After being in 6 lockdowns spanning hundreds of days it comes down to the fact, to me it feels like an open prison to me. You can go outside and enjoy the fresh air but you cannot leave the gates and you have to abide by the rules. Rules that are constantly changing because our wardens are corrupt and not trustworthy.

In prison, you are denied the basic freedom to move and plan for the future. You bide your time. You are effectively, in limbo. Something needs to happen to shake things up before things “can move” again. By that I mean that you have some semblance that you can control your own destiny (or believe that you do).

It’s an incredibly strong person who can see this limbo time as an opportunity for growth and reflection; and be comfortable not knowing how long it’s going to last and to not need a glimmer of hope to keep them going.

I’m not one of these people.

Initially, I thought it as an opportunity to catch up with a lot of things I had planned. However, over time, I realised that even that was going to be difficult. In lockdown, your plans and schedules go out the window. You are rendered useless. You get in line, you wait your turn. It’s a case of hurry up and wait.

As a result, what was a bit of a joke in lockdown 1.0, by lockdown 6.0 you are battered, beaten and resigned that it’s pointless to do anything. You cannot think straight anymore. You find it difficult to find a reason as to why you’re even doing what you’re doing anymore.

What would help in this situation?

I’m unsure but I would like a little hope. Just a glimmer of hope.

The constant berating, bickering, politicking – the lack of consistent messaging. The lack of humility and the egos on our politicians are disgusting, abysmal and offensive.

A little glimmer of hope, something that we can look forward to, that we can wait for, that we can work towards. That would be nice. That’s all I need from our politicians.

Fuck, I’m tired. I really am.