I am doing Meredith Lewis (@dangerousmere) daily creative prompt challenge and for today’s activity, it’s to banish this ugly looking demon who has stifled and prevented my creative endeavours.
Bloody hell it’s you again.
You’ve reared your ugly head again just at the time when I thought of a new idea that I was getting excited about.
Thanks for nothing you shit.
I know that I’ve got so much more to give to the world but every time you pop up, I start to doubt. Not myself. I know I can achieve anything I set out to do because every time I put you aside, I achieve it.
Others have imposter syndrome. I have the syndrome of having to keep within expectations of others firstly.
“What would others think? You’re a grown woman, should you be doing this? What have you got to prove? It makes you out to be better than everyone else. Stay within your lane. This is not you.”
Over and over you go around in my head until I just grit my teeth and fight you in my head. Then you change tune focusing on my need for perfection.
“Look at that. You’re not doing it right. You’ve just destroyed it. It’s not even looking like what you planned it to look like. Seriously, why bother? Go back to bed, stay in bed. It might be better tomorrow, but don’t hold your breath. This is a pattern for you isn’t it?”
Then by some sheer force, I keep trying again usually because I get an encouraging word for someone and then you change your tune to comparing me to others.
“Look at how XYZ is doing it. It’s working out for her. Face it, this isn’t for you. You’re way too impatient. Everyone loves her because she’s not rocking the boat; offering crazy ideas that no one understands or gets. Face it, you’re an enigma. People don’t know what to think about you. They love what you do on the one hand, then on the other hand, they actually pity you. It would be best if you can make yourself invisible.”
Well you’ve muddled me up for a long time Mr Demon. When you come into my life, and you come into my life too many times to admit and in recent years, even more so, you end up making me feel like crap.
The covid lockdowns didn’t help matters; nor does my changing health as I learn to come to grips with menopause that is taking a hold of me with a vengeance. Now, you’re adding in the loss in confidence into the mix although I fight this too because I know that this is not you – it’s the reduction of estrogen that is sucking the life out of me and making me feel that “I’m not me anymore”. I feel as if something’s out of kilter.
I know that you’re a part of me – you were always there on my shoulder – and the only thing that seemed to overcome you in the past, are other people’s commitment, support, encouragement and ones who approached me to work, learn or create something together.
You disappear when this happens.
So the way you’re going to disappear for me is if I continue to ‘get out there’ and just do what I ned to do, and in the process find people who ‘get me’ and where we can enjoy creating together. Over the years thankfully, your voice has lessened and it’s becoming squeakier. One day, you’ll disappear completely. I think it’s going to be very soon because frankly, I’ve realised you don’t matter to me anymore. Things that were important to me, in the grand scheme of things are actually irrelevant.
If I want to do something, I’ll do it. If I don’t, guess what? I don’t.
I’ve got nothing to prove anymore.
So good riddance demon.